Repositioning your mum
I became a mum about 2 years ago, I think I'm out of the haze more or less. But man-oh-man do I have some stuff to report.
I'm gonna go through a few things that I think we need to start completely repositioning (marketing way of saying, think about it... but this way) since becoming a mum. And whether or not you have kids, I hope we all learn something.
1. Your mum doesn't "nag", you're just incompetent
Why didn't we just do the thing? It didn't have to be the first time we were asked, but the second or third?
I mean, why didn't we just do it? Is it because we were a little bit evil? Lacked the ability? Or somewhere in between? Like we'd built up this strange resistance to simple instruction because this lady didn't quite understand "us" or why "we" do things. Therefore her instructions aren't 100% applicable, especially not back then.
So we kind of just... ignored instruction (maybe still do) and hoped they would go away. I get it.
But, why label that as "nagging"? Why not admit that we're resistant to simple instruction, so it has to be repeated at us?
When, let's be honest, we'll realise why she was saying it in several years time. It'll happen while we're the kitchen, avoiding eye contact with the ice-cream and psyching ourselves up to "voluntarily" eat the spinach first.
2. Your mum isn't "obsessed with cleaning", you're a bit useless
You've been on that bit of YouTube now, you've heard from the people whose mums were hoarders. I'm realising now that it's binary. You're either cleaning up after everyone all the time, or you just let it all go, watch the mess pile up, then wash over you and consume you and the kids. Hoping the fall out isn't awful either way.
I get it, when we were younger, we couldn't help with what was necessary to live a clutter-free life. We didn't know that was what was helping us feel regulated and worthy of being in a safe home. But, my guys, what is our excuse now? What are we not seeing?
I'm beginning to see that it's not hyperbolic to ask "would it kill you to hoover?". It's a genuine curiosity.
WOULD IT KILL YOU? is that why we all hoovered just that one time when the hoover was new and never again after that? Because that's the only reason I can see now.
In hindsight, it looks like we'd permanently outsourced cleaning to someone a few decades older than us, and never thought twice about it, or once, actually. Which it itself is not an offence, but then we went a step further and accused them of being neurotic, or "obsessed with cleaning". In fairness, we didn't allow them room to do much else. We made mess and never thought about it because it would magically disappear at some point.
But, who hoovers when the hoover novelty has worn off? And are they doing it for fun? And why aren't we more grateful?
3. Your mum has always been funny, it just took you decades to realise
This one is a personal one. And if we're going to be repositioning your mum, you'll have to humour me with this one.
Listen, I really thought that my mum didn't understand humour for a very long time.
But, there are videos of babies cracking up a paper ripping. And what I mean by that is what we find funny changes as we age. And if I found my mum "funny" when I was younger, she'd be a strange adult. Sorry Mum, it wasn't you, it was me.
You know how many times I've told a 10/10 joke to my 2 year old at this point? Wasted. She doesn't understand any of them. And to add insult to injury, she will definitely perceive me as "not funny" until she gets these jokes. Who knows if I'll still have it in me to make them around her when she does start getting them.
Point is, it's not your mum who didn't have a sense of humour for most of the time you were growing up, it's you. And the sooner you come to terms with that, the better.
4. Your mum doesn't worry "too much", there's no amount of worry you'll both agree on
In my younger days, I've walked right in to danger, often knowingly. And in hindsight, I think I used to be insane. But isn't that the ideal?
Even the thought of my daughter doing any of the stuff I thought was totally fine makes my head spin.
And as certain as I am that this makes me a hypocrite, I'm even more certain that there is no level of worry we'll both agree on, I've seen endings of the movies she doesn't know have been written. And I don't know if I'll have the heart to let her watch, never mind play a role.
Other things to reposition
There are so many other things that I would love to reposition, such as, it's fine that you think she's "insufferable" at times, relating to you is complicated.
How are you supposed to comprehend that a loaf you lovingly baked for 9 months has complete and utter agency now? How are you really supposed to interact with the sole reason you stopped doing the stuff you used to be able to do - and so now you're no longer who you used to be? How do you do that and communicate to them that it's totally okay that some parts of you died? How do you articulate to a new born that you've mourned the deaths of the parts you loved, and waved goodbye to the ones you weren't that fond of in the first place? And you'd do it all again tbh.
To conclude
All this time, I've believed some myths about mums, including my own. But, we all know life's funny like that. And I'm thinking this is actually part of the circle of life. It's much like your friends becoming teachers - for some reason always the ones who really love drugs. Just me? But now, we're all learning to humanise people we once thought un-human, and boy is it a trip.
Listen, if you want more, there are countless ones that live in my head. I'm just stopping because I have to genuinely tend to my daughter. Imagine that.
P.S./ BONUS repositioning your mum's back:
What we all need to reposition is our relation to our mum's back. It wasn't us stepping on the crack that broke it, it was us growing into existence, tearing their abdominal wall muscles in the process. Then demanding to be held before they got a chance to heal those muscles, so they over-relied on their other muscles as we grew, and now it's all a bit of a mess there.
The least we owe them is a whole hearted back massage.